A Photo Essay: The Life and Times of Paula Abdul

All of you American Idol fans (I would say Paula Abdul fans, but c'mon, let's be reasonable), if you have a problem with my deep and raging hatred of Paula Abdul, please take it up with my friend Shannon. She is the only reason I have ever seen any episodes of American Idol, and if I had never seen American Idol, I wouldn't hate Ms. Abdul as much as I do. Moving on...


Paula: "Oh yes, that was fantastic and you look beautiful, even though I can't really see or hear because my senses have been dulled by painkillers, but it was fantastic. Got any oxycontin?"


Simon's laughing at her hat. He has to be.


Here we see Paula in the video for "Rush Rush" with Keanu Reeves. So not only did she give us Janet Jackson, she gave us Keanu, too. Thanks a lot Paula.


Simon: "Maybe if I squeeze her enough, I'll crush her voicebox and she'll shut up."
Randy: "You can cut the sexual tension with a knife... Ew."


Paula: "You better believe I'm on oxycontin!"


This just in, Paula Abdul's breast escapes, launches solo career. Doesn't get past the first auditions in American Idol.