"Where do you fit in?"
Have you ever noticed that music genres seem to influence people to dress and act in certain ways? Have you ever thought about how different we may feel about Spice Girls fans if we didn't have neat little genres to put everything into? And have you ever noticed that the music genres we have today are so frekin' stupid and uncool in comparison to what they used to be? I decided to put together a description of some popular music genre categories so you, my friend, can see where you fit in, in the grand scheme of things.
GOTH
Music: Goth associated bands range all over the board, but some goth household names are of course Nine Inch Nails, Marilyn Manson and The Cure. Some other bands appreciated by various goths are Depeche Mode, Garbage and Tool. You're also very attracted to bands that wear a lot of make-up, black clothes, use synthesizers and heavy guitars and complain about how the world let them down.
Idols: Trent Reznor; if you're really depressed, Bauhaus
Clothes: Lots of black and red; boots that are impossible to walk in; metal/leather accessories; fishnets; about anything you can find in the Halloween costume section in Wal-Mart.
Interests: Vampires; death; black stuff; depression; self pity and apathy
Attitude: Life is pain! The world is a complete let down, although you're not sure why and refuse to take any action to make it a better place. Instead, you'll pretend to be depressed and misunderstood and call all those who don't act and dress like you conformists... Even though you conform to other goths in order to fit in with them. Whatever. I could be wrong. No one understands a goth. That's the point. We're not supposed to. We're just conformists. Ya. Remember gothies: "I'd rather be a pussy crying kid than a faggy goth kid."
PUNK
Music: Fast, guitars with a redundant anti-establishment message that you probably don't understand; The Clash, but only because it's cool to wear their t-shirts - you probably have never heard of London Calling.
Idols: Johnny Rotten
Clothes: Plaid; short skirts with weird, retro designs on them; fishnets; random "funky" jewelry; Doc Martins or Chuck Taylors; fitted jeans; a mohawk; possibly make-up; some could almost pass for goth if they weren't so goddamn stupid
Interests: Misguided civil disobedience; being young and destructive; wrecking perfectly good clothes by writing the names of all your favourite bands on it (Newsflash: No one really cares what bands you like! We can see you're punk and can guess on our own!); swear words; graffiti; acting angry for no good reason
Attitude: Like goths, you believe the world has somehow let you down, however, instead of sitting around and complaining about it, most punks like to take action by pointlessly writing anti-establishment slogans that no one will read on walls and bus terminals. Such actions taken by punks may be to write "propaganda!" on top of an advertisement at a bus stations. Newsflash: Writing propaganda on an advertisement is propaganda! You have a very anti-establishment attitude, however, you're unaware of what the establishment is, and instead just like to rebel against the "man". You like to declare yourself as "young, poor and angry", however, you most likely live in the suburbs, have mommy and daddy pay for everything and are very globally unaware and thus have very little reason to be angry. Whatever man! Screw America!
"SKATER"
Music: Bubble-gum "punk"; punkish sounding bands that have numbers in their name; any band that write songs that would make good jokes
Idols: Blink-182
Clothes: "Skater" shoes, most likely by Osiris or Vans; baggy pants or shorts, most likely kakhis; t-shirts with a "punkish" clothing company's logo on it; a baseball hat; spikey hair; a skateboard (even if you don't use it, just carry it - you'll look cool, kiddies!)
Interests: Skateboards (even if you can't skate!)
Attitude: You are punk's demented offspring. Thus, you embody many of the musical interests as punk, however, you lack the mental capacity to understand how fucked up the world is, and thus, could care less. Only a skater punk can get away with wearing those t-shirts with logos on it because real punks would label you a conformist and accuse you of spreading propaganda. Of course, the "real" punk is most likely wearing something from Old Navy, but won't admit it, but whatever. As a skater punk, you most likely don't know what the word propaganda means. Whatever, man.
EMO
Music: Bands that rock, but are still sensitive to cry when they need to.
Idols: Some sad guy looking longingly over his guitar i.e. Connor Oberst
Clothes: Anything from a second hand store; retro tees; fitted jeans; sweater vests; shaggy hair; looking all messed up, even though it took you an hour to get that look; those black rimmed Buddy Holly glasses (even if you don't need them); overall, you look like Rivers Cuomo
Interests: Playing your guitar with a frown on your face
Attitude: As punk's loser cousin, you are sad and sensitive. In general, you're a pussy.
POP
Music: Whatever's popular, hence the "pop"
Idols: A random blonde songstress, whichever one is top of the charts right now. I can no longer tell them apart.
Clothes: Anything that's in fashion right now! The skankier the better!
Interests: boys; your hair; who Britney's dating; MTV; I'm guessing you watch Friends
Attitude: You generally take what you're given. You have a lack of desire and mental capacity to seek out alternate sources of music, and thus, spend your life listening to what's been fed to you by big media and what the mainstream says is popular. You still don't seem to understand that just because a song is #1 on Billboard, it doesn't mean it's good - Remember people, The Macarena and Ice, Ice Baby were #1 once, as well. You follow trends like Britney follows Madonna and stick to what the masses say is "cool". Thus, you're rather unoriginal and boring, but hey, at least you look good.
THE D0WNL0AD3R
Music: Same as pop
Idols: The kid who invented napster
Clothes: You never leave your room, thus, clothes are unimportant
Interests: Kazaa; MSN messenger
Attitude: Since the day you realized that you could download songs, you have ceased purchasing CDs completely. Thus, because you no longer have to sacrifice something of your own to get music, you've lost most respect for it. Music has now become the process of finding that one song you like, saving it as a file on your hard drive, and then deleting it when the song isn't popular anymore. The idea of music being something sacred is lost on you. You don't have interests in "bands" or "albums", just their popular singles. Seeing as you never purchase CDs, you never hear any songs other than the singles, and thus, never really get into a band. It's because of you that we have so many bands that make their career on one hit wonders, instead of solid albums. In reality, you don't know how to actually use a computer, only how to use your Kazaa. Computer nerds and rocks snobs everywhere hate you.
JOCK ROCK
Music: It's gotta rock! And not make you think too much! i.e. Nickleback
Idols: You don't know what that word means. You like AC/DC a lot, but don't know who Angus Young is, so um yeah. Partaaaay!
Clothes: You're a jock, you don't care about clothes! That's gay!
Interests: Chicks; beer; you like to rock out with your cock out
Attitude: You lack the mental capacity to have an attidue. If it doesn't say "beer" or "girls", it's not interesting. You will most likely grow up to be a bouncer. Or the President of the United States.
WUSS ROCK
Music: Coldplay; Travis
Idols: You tell everyone Tom Yorke, but you mean Kenny G
Clothes: You wear frilly shirts when no one's there to laugh at you, or kick your pansy ass.
Interests: Calling Radiohead geniuses.
Attitude: You're also a pussy, and lack attitude.
RAP/HIP HOP
Music: It's all about the beats, man.
Idols: Russel Simmons
Clothes: MALE - Baggy, baggy pants, so baggy that your ass shows; baggy, baggy shirts, so baggy it could be mistaken for a mumu; brand name running shoes, Nike, Addidas, Reebok, whichever's most expensive; extensive bling, to the point where you weigh hundreds of pounds more due to your jewelry; bandanas; FEMALE - tight pants; tight, short skirts; shirts that show as much skin as possible; you also need to be iced up with your bling, but do it more tastefully; big hair; high heels; big earrings; pink or baby blue little sweat suits
Interests: Clubbing; ganstas - even though you've probably never been near a ghetto in your life; selling your soul for money and popularity; wasting that money on bling and rims for your car
Attitude: Lots of it. You like to walk as though you have a bowling ball lodged in your ass, and this emphasizes your attitude. It's all about the money and looking good while you waste it. Guns. Drugs. Fuck the cops, man! But when some real thugs steal your rims, you're going to turn to them for help. The "man" is out to get you, however, you are probably white and suburban and have mommy and daddy pay for everything, so technically, you are the "man". If you were ever actually in South Central LA, you would soil yourself out of fear.
CHICK ROCK
Music: Female, angry and yet, still sensitive
Idols: Sarah McLaughlin
Clothes: Long skirts with flowers on them; anything with flowers on it
Interests: Feminism; possibly lesbianism
Attitude: You are one of those "strong, smart, independent" women (or womyn or grrrrrls, whatever), however, you're not smart enough to see that most of the chick singers write the same crap every song and can't seem to do anything original. You think Tori Amos is weird and don't understand her. Courtney Love scares you. So does any woman who can actually rock.
TECHNO KIDDIES
Music: "Electronica"; any band that's foreign and makes all of it's music on computers
Idols: Kraftwerk
Clothes: Baggy pants; glow sticks
Interests: Raves; dancing as though your limbs are independent of your body
Attitude: Rock is boring, so it's time we moved on to the next big thing: Techno! You can differentiate between those techno songs that everyone else says sound the same. You long to be a DJ, but years of listening to nothing but techno beats has left your mind liquified.
NU-METAL
Music: Metal-rap; anything where a little white guys sings and then a little white guy raps; anything with pointless anger
Idols: Fred Durst
Clothes: Red baseball cap
Attitude: You are the bastard child of goth and jock rock. Where jock rockers just wanna rock, you wanna rock and be very, very angry. At what? I dunno, just break stuff. When you're not too busy being angry at nothing, you like to spend your time wollowing in self pity, just like your goth, whore of a mother. You scream "I won't be ignored!", but unfortunately, anyone with an IQ over 10 is smart enough to ignore you.
CAN ROCK
Music: Anything by those lovable nineties Candian rockers!
Idols: Raine Maida
Clothes: You fit in somewhere between the emos and the skaters
Interests: Edgefest; Chart magazine
Attitude: You love to support the homegrown talent. You bitch and whine about how Canadian artists don't get enough attention south of the border and how our musicians are far better than those American rocks bands. You are so blinded by patriotism that you can't seem to realize that many of these Canadian bands are just as bad as their American counter parts and that the mainstream music in Canada is just as bad as it is in the states. You are so blinded by patriotism that you can't seem to see that Sloan rips off the Beatles like JT rips off MJ. You go on and on about how MuchMusic is far superior to MTV, even though there's no longer much difference between the two. You actually watch the Junos, but of course, prefer the MuchMusic Video Awards. You enjoy hearing Matthew Good shoot his mouth off, and you picked sides in that rediculous MGB vs. OLP "Who's more derivative" media battle, even though they were both rather derivative bands and the idea that they would fight over that is baffling and stupid. You still probably aren't dumb enough to think Nickleback is good.
TOOL FANS
Music: Tool; A Perfect Circle; anything that is pre-Maynard approved
Idols: Maynard James Keenan
Clothes: Tool t-shirts, however, it is frowned upon to wear them to Tool/APC concerts. Yes. You are THAT self-righteous.
Interests: Being deep and philosophical. You disagree with Freud when he said that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. A cigar is never JUST a cigar! It's symbolic of something! And fisting is never just fisting!
Attitude: You may actually be a goth. However, it doesn't matter if you happen to also fit into any of the other categories above, you Tool fans are all the same. You are a self-righteous fuck. So self-righteous, that Tool actually hates you. There is one distinction between you and goths. While goths just think that the world hates them, the world actually does hate you. Die, you pseudo-intelligent losers.
THE ROCK SNOB
Music: Anything, but it can't be mainstream or popular.
Idols: The morons at Pitchfork media
Clothes: You probably look like an emo, but won't admit it.
Interests: Knowing obscure musical facts; knowing your city's music scene like the back of your hand; knowing bands that no one else does, and trying to keep it that way; thinking bands are cool if they're unpopular, even if they suck; rejecting mainstream music, even if it's good; calling Radiohead geniuses
Attitude: No one understands music the way you do. You've become so good at rejecting the mainstream, that if a song has a video on high rotation on a music channel, it's gotta suck. You believe that the masses are generally stupid when it comes to music, and although you're most likely right, you have forgotten that music is subjective to the listener and that listening to music is supposed to be about feeling something while listening to a song, not looking cool while listening to a song. You don't seem to realize that the so-called music "fans" of today are far more influenced by genres and the hype surrounding bands than by the songs themselves. You, the rock snob, seem to have forgotten that that is what being a music fan is all about. Just listen to the goddamn song, you pretentious prick! P.S. Radiohead is overrated.
Please do not comment to complain about how wrong I am and how I have filled this webpage with sweeping generalizations. I don't fucking care. If you care that much, you're most likely are a loser who fits into one of these categories anyway.
GOTH
Music: Goth associated bands range all over the board, but some goth household names are of course Nine Inch Nails, Marilyn Manson and The Cure. Some other bands appreciated by various goths are Depeche Mode, Garbage and Tool. You're also very attracted to bands that wear a lot of make-up, black clothes, use synthesizers and heavy guitars and complain about how the world let them down.
Idols: Trent Reznor; if you're really depressed, Bauhaus
Clothes: Lots of black and red; boots that are impossible to walk in; metal/leather accessories; fishnets; about anything you can find in the Halloween costume section in Wal-Mart.
Interests: Vampires; death; black stuff; depression; self pity and apathy
Attitude: Life is pain! The world is a complete let down, although you're not sure why and refuse to take any action to make it a better place. Instead, you'll pretend to be depressed and misunderstood and call all those who don't act and dress like you conformists... Even though you conform to other goths in order to fit in with them. Whatever. I could be wrong. No one understands a goth. That's the point. We're not supposed to. We're just conformists. Ya. Remember gothies: "I'd rather be a pussy crying kid than a faggy goth kid."
PUNK
Music: Fast, guitars with a redundant anti-establishment message that you probably don't understand; The Clash, but only because it's cool to wear their t-shirts - you probably have never heard of London Calling.
Idols: Johnny Rotten
Clothes: Plaid; short skirts with weird, retro designs on them; fishnets; random "funky" jewelry; Doc Martins or Chuck Taylors; fitted jeans; a mohawk; possibly make-up; some could almost pass for goth if they weren't so goddamn stupid
Interests: Misguided civil disobedience; being young and destructive; wrecking perfectly good clothes by writing the names of all your favourite bands on it (Newsflash: No one really cares what bands you like! We can see you're punk and can guess on our own!); swear words; graffiti; acting angry for no good reason
Attitude: Like goths, you believe the world has somehow let you down, however, instead of sitting around and complaining about it, most punks like to take action by pointlessly writing anti-establishment slogans that no one will read on walls and bus terminals. Such actions taken by punks may be to write "propaganda!" on top of an advertisement at a bus stations. Newsflash: Writing propaganda on an advertisement is propaganda! You have a very anti-establishment attitude, however, you're unaware of what the establishment is, and instead just like to rebel against the "man". You like to declare yourself as "young, poor and angry", however, you most likely live in the suburbs, have mommy and daddy pay for everything and are very globally unaware and thus have very little reason to be angry. Whatever man! Screw America!
"SKATER"
Music: Bubble-gum "punk"; punkish sounding bands that have numbers in their name; any band that write songs that would make good jokes
Idols: Blink-182
Clothes: "Skater" shoes, most likely by Osiris or Vans; baggy pants or shorts, most likely kakhis; t-shirts with a "punkish" clothing company's logo on it; a baseball hat; spikey hair; a skateboard (even if you don't use it, just carry it - you'll look cool, kiddies!)
Interests: Skateboards (even if you can't skate!)
Attitude: You are punk's demented offspring. Thus, you embody many of the musical interests as punk, however, you lack the mental capacity to understand how fucked up the world is, and thus, could care less. Only a skater punk can get away with wearing those t-shirts with logos on it because real punks would label you a conformist and accuse you of spreading propaganda. Of course, the "real" punk is most likely wearing something from Old Navy, but won't admit it, but whatever. As a skater punk, you most likely don't know what the word propaganda means. Whatever, man.
EMO
Music: Bands that rock, but are still sensitive to cry when they need to.
Idols: Some sad guy looking longingly over his guitar i.e. Connor Oberst
Clothes: Anything from a second hand store; retro tees; fitted jeans; sweater vests; shaggy hair; looking all messed up, even though it took you an hour to get that look; those black rimmed Buddy Holly glasses (even if you don't need them); overall, you look like Rivers Cuomo
Interests: Playing your guitar with a frown on your face
Attitude: As punk's loser cousin, you are sad and sensitive. In general, you're a pussy.
POP
Music: Whatever's popular, hence the "pop"
Idols: A random blonde songstress, whichever one is top of the charts right now. I can no longer tell them apart.
Clothes: Anything that's in fashion right now! The skankier the better!
Interests: boys; your hair; who Britney's dating; MTV; I'm guessing you watch Friends
Attitude: You generally take what you're given. You have a lack of desire and mental capacity to seek out alternate sources of music, and thus, spend your life listening to what's been fed to you by big media and what the mainstream says is popular. You still don't seem to understand that just because a song is #1 on Billboard, it doesn't mean it's good - Remember people, The Macarena and Ice, Ice Baby were #1 once, as well. You follow trends like Britney follows Madonna and stick to what the masses say is "cool". Thus, you're rather unoriginal and boring, but hey, at least you look good.
THE D0WNL0AD3R
Music: Same as pop
Idols: The kid who invented napster
Clothes: You never leave your room, thus, clothes are unimportant
Interests: Kazaa; MSN messenger
Attitude: Since the day you realized that you could download songs, you have ceased purchasing CDs completely. Thus, because you no longer have to sacrifice something of your own to get music, you've lost most respect for it. Music has now become the process of finding that one song you like, saving it as a file on your hard drive, and then deleting it when the song isn't popular anymore. The idea of music being something sacred is lost on you. You don't have interests in "bands" or "albums", just their popular singles. Seeing as you never purchase CDs, you never hear any songs other than the singles, and thus, never really get into a band. It's because of you that we have so many bands that make their career on one hit wonders, instead of solid albums. In reality, you don't know how to actually use a computer, only how to use your Kazaa. Computer nerds and rocks snobs everywhere hate you.
JOCK ROCK
Music: It's gotta rock! And not make you think too much! i.e. Nickleback
Idols: You don't know what that word means. You like AC/DC a lot, but don't know who Angus Young is, so um yeah. Partaaaay!
Clothes: You're a jock, you don't care about clothes! That's gay!
Interests: Chicks; beer; you like to rock out with your cock out
Attitude: You lack the mental capacity to have an attidue. If it doesn't say "beer" or "girls", it's not interesting. You will most likely grow up to be a bouncer. Or the President of the United States.
WUSS ROCK
Music: Coldplay; Travis
Idols: You tell everyone Tom Yorke, but you mean Kenny G
Clothes: You wear frilly shirts when no one's there to laugh at you, or kick your pansy ass.
Interests: Calling Radiohead geniuses.
Attitude: You're also a pussy, and lack attitude.
RAP/HIP HOP
Music: It's all about the beats, man.
Idols: Russel Simmons
Clothes: MALE - Baggy, baggy pants, so baggy that your ass shows; baggy, baggy shirts, so baggy it could be mistaken for a mumu; brand name running shoes, Nike, Addidas, Reebok, whichever's most expensive; extensive bling, to the point where you weigh hundreds of pounds more due to your jewelry; bandanas; FEMALE - tight pants; tight, short skirts; shirts that show as much skin as possible; you also need to be iced up with your bling, but do it more tastefully; big hair; high heels; big earrings; pink or baby blue little sweat suits
Interests: Clubbing; ganstas - even though you've probably never been near a ghetto in your life; selling your soul for money and popularity; wasting that money on bling and rims for your car
Attitude: Lots of it. You like to walk as though you have a bowling ball lodged in your ass, and this emphasizes your attitude. It's all about the money and looking good while you waste it. Guns. Drugs. Fuck the cops, man! But when some real thugs steal your rims, you're going to turn to them for help. The "man" is out to get you, however, you are probably white and suburban and have mommy and daddy pay for everything, so technically, you are the "man". If you were ever actually in South Central LA, you would soil yourself out of fear.
CHICK ROCK
Music: Female, angry and yet, still sensitive
Idols: Sarah McLaughlin
Clothes: Long skirts with flowers on them; anything with flowers on it
Interests: Feminism; possibly lesbianism
Attitude: You are one of those "strong, smart, independent" women (or womyn or grrrrrls, whatever), however, you're not smart enough to see that most of the chick singers write the same crap every song and can't seem to do anything original. You think Tori Amos is weird and don't understand her. Courtney Love scares you. So does any woman who can actually rock.
TECHNO KIDDIES
Music: "Electronica"; any band that's foreign and makes all of it's music on computers
Idols: Kraftwerk
Clothes: Baggy pants; glow sticks
Interests: Raves; dancing as though your limbs are independent of your body
Attitude: Rock is boring, so it's time we moved on to the next big thing: Techno! You can differentiate between those techno songs that everyone else says sound the same. You long to be a DJ, but years of listening to nothing but techno beats has left your mind liquified.
NU-METAL
Music: Metal-rap; anything where a little white guys sings and then a little white guy raps; anything with pointless anger
Idols: Fred Durst
Clothes: Red baseball cap
Attitude: You are the bastard child of goth and jock rock. Where jock rockers just wanna rock, you wanna rock and be very, very angry. At what? I dunno, just break stuff. When you're not too busy being angry at nothing, you like to spend your time wollowing in self pity, just like your goth, whore of a mother. You scream "I won't be ignored!", but unfortunately, anyone with an IQ over 10 is smart enough to ignore you.
CAN ROCK
Music: Anything by those lovable nineties Candian rockers!
Idols: Raine Maida
Clothes: You fit in somewhere between the emos and the skaters
Interests: Edgefest; Chart magazine
Attitude: You love to support the homegrown talent. You bitch and whine about how Canadian artists don't get enough attention south of the border and how our musicians are far better than those American rocks bands. You are so blinded by patriotism that you can't seem to realize that many of these Canadian bands are just as bad as their American counter parts and that the mainstream music in Canada is just as bad as it is in the states. You are so blinded by patriotism that you can't seem to see that Sloan rips off the Beatles like JT rips off MJ. You go on and on about how MuchMusic is far superior to MTV, even though there's no longer much difference between the two. You actually watch the Junos, but of course, prefer the MuchMusic Video Awards. You enjoy hearing Matthew Good shoot his mouth off, and you picked sides in that rediculous MGB vs. OLP "Who's more derivative" media battle, even though they were both rather derivative bands and the idea that they would fight over that is baffling and stupid. You still probably aren't dumb enough to think Nickleback is good.
TOOL FANS
Music: Tool; A Perfect Circle; anything that is pre-Maynard approved
Idols: Maynard James Keenan
Clothes: Tool t-shirts, however, it is frowned upon to wear them to Tool/APC concerts. Yes. You are THAT self-righteous.
Interests: Being deep and philosophical. You disagree with Freud when he said that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. A cigar is never JUST a cigar! It's symbolic of something! And fisting is never just fisting!
Attitude: You may actually be a goth. However, it doesn't matter if you happen to also fit into any of the other categories above, you Tool fans are all the same. You are a self-righteous fuck. So self-righteous, that Tool actually hates you. There is one distinction between you and goths. While goths just think that the world hates them, the world actually does hate you. Die, you pseudo-intelligent losers.
THE ROCK SNOB
Music: Anything, but it can't be mainstream or popular.
Idols: The morons at Pitchfork media
Clothes: You probably look like an emo, but won't admit it.
Interests: Knowing obscure musical facts; knowing your city's music scene like the back of your hand; knowing bands that no one else does, and trying to keep it that way; thinking bands are cool if they're unpopular, even if they suck; rejecting mainstream music, even if it's good; calling Radiohead geniuses
Attitude: No one understands music the way you do. You've become so good at rejecting the mainstream, that if a song has a video on high rotation on a music channel, it's gotta suck. You believe that the masses are generally stupid when it comes to music, and although you're most likely right, you have forgotten that music is subjective to the listener and that listening to music is supposed to be about feeling something while listening to a song, not looking cool while listening to a song. You don't seem to realize that the so-called music "fans" of today are far more influenced by genres and the hype surrounding bands than by the songs themselves. You, the rock snob, seem to have forgotten that that is what being a music fan is all about. Just listen to the goddamn song, you pretentious prick! P.S. Radiohead is overrated.
Please do not comment to complain about how wrong I am and how I have filled this webpage with sweeping generalizations. I don't fucking care. If you care that much, you're most likely are a loser who fits into one of these categories anyway.
posted by vivahate at 10:27 PM
4 Comments:
I'd like to think I transcend such simple categorization. I like to sing-along to things, but I also like quality.
Stop trying to force me into a box, Rachel.*
...
* that worked on a couple of levels.
Hello. I came here via le rob. I rather enjoyed your piece. I guess I'm a can-rock/rock snobber. I know who Eric's Trip and the Doughboys are and I liked Treble Charger when they kept it in their pants. And yes, I picked a side in the MGB-OLP debate, because we all know Raine Maida is a knob.
le rob: you are so emo, it's sick. P.S. tee-hee, box.
le mike: raine maida is the douche of all douches. he has been previously lampooned on this website, although I'm too lazy to find a link for you.
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