"Faster than fashion."

If I ever have an Afghan dog, with long bleach blonde hair and eyes that can barely stay open due to overdone fake eyelashes/addiction to various drugs, I'm going to name it Donatella Versace.

"As the flames rose to her roman nose, and her walkman started to melt."

I don't care. Say what you want about how flamingly gay he may be, Morrissey is THE SEX. *purrrs*



Look at him. Morrissey's all "GRRRR."

HOT.

The Quotable Rob

"No one ever thinks I'm going to win, but I come from behind."
-Rob

That's all I have to say for now, please visit Rob's Blog to read more about last night's sexy aventures in alcohol and card games

"When I was the rat, the rat who would be king, I imagined typhoid and us alone."

I would like to take this time to apologize to Paula Abdul.

In a previous post, I called Miss Abdul the biggest moron on television.

Well, although she is still ONE of the biggest morons on television, I would like to say that as of Wednesday, May 18, Miss Abdul was usurped as the biggest moron on television by none other than, you guessed it:



Yep. The Britster.

Rob, I and some companions sat down on this chilly Wednesday night to watch the debut of Kevin and Britney: Chaotic.

What can I now say about Britney? Nothing that I didn't already suspect! The show just further pushes my suspicions that:

1. Not only is Britney on drugs, she's on A LOT of REALLY REALLY GOOD drugs.
2. Britney is just a spoiled little girl who's never known a world outside of Hollywood.
3. She's on drugs. Just thought I'd re-iterate.
4. K-Fed is a moron. Maybe a bigger moron than her. He's also in it for the money. And he's rat-like. Even more rat-like on hand-held cameras.
5. Britney can't use a hand-held. I never really suspected this, but it's true.

So yeah. I don't know what else to say. Maybe because I don't remember that last half due to the fact that I felt incapable of watching the show without doing heavy drinking and got loaded while watching it. Time well spent.

P.I.M.P.

50 Cent Avoids Jail

The conditions that Fiddy needs to uphold in order to avoid jail are:

1. He must take an anger management course.

"Hello, my name's Fiddy and I have a problem."
This will be said before he threatens the teacher at gunpoint, steals his wallet and then brings in his hoochies with the milk and honey.

2. He must make an educational anti-violence video.

I find it kinda sad that the only way he'll make an anti-violence video is to avoid jailtime. As oppose to, y'know, doing it for the sake of teaching his young fans that shooting that guy who stole your bike IS NOT THE ANSWER.

3. He must undergo random drug testing for two years.

Bahhhahahahahhahahaaahaaaa! BURN. He's going to fail this.

4. He must pay out-of-pocket medical expenses to the three alleged victims.

Good.

5. He must not carry a gun in Massachusetts.

Well... That's nice for those fine people in Massachusetts. But what about the rest of us out there in areas with no gun bans on 50 Cent? It's okay for him to carry a gun in New York, but y'know, not Massachusettes! That would be dangerous! And I know I'm in Canada, so technically, there are federal laws requiring Fiddy to go gunless, but I find it hard to believe that when he tours Canada, he leaves his guns at home. It's nice to know that a man who needs ANGER MANAGEMENT classes is allowed to carry a gun. The world is not safe. Well, Massachusetts is.

"An interstellar burst! I'm back to save the universe."

After watching Hitchhiker's guide to the Universe, I though I would post some universal truths with you all to make sure we're all on the same page:

Joy Division > New Order >>>>>>> Monacco
Jefferson Airplane >>>>>> Jefferson Starship >>> Starship
Jane's Addiction >>> Porno for Pyros
Rage Against the Machine >>> Soundgarden >>>> Audioslave
Black Flag >>>> Rollins Band
Henry Rollins neck = circumfrence of a rainforest tree trunk
Stone Temple Pilots >>>>> Velver Revolver >>>> Talk Show
Nine Inch Nails >>> Filter
Nine Inch Nails fans cannot be Filter fans.
Severe intestinal cramping >>>> Wings
John >>>>>> Paul
Vinyl > CD
The Simpsons > Family Guy
Blue > Pink
Coke > Pepsi
Dogs > Cats
Me > You

And also:

Tom Cruise is gay.
Keanu Reeves is a bad actor.
Linkin Park sucks.

That is all.

DISCLAIMER TO TOM CRUISE'S LAWYERS: I am, in no way, implying that Tom Cruise is gay by saying that "Tom Cruise is gay" is a universal truth. Why, that would be slander! I'm just saying, in my universe, which may or may not be the same universe as yours, Tom Cruise is a little light in the loafers.

DISCLAIMER TO LINKIN PARK'S LAWYERS: They suck. It's a universal truth in all universes. Face it.

"Every night I burn, dream the crow black dream."

So I know this doesn't really relate to music, but since the first movie has a fairly influential soundtrack to those of you out there who wear lots of black (shut it whoever is going to comment on my fashion choices), I'm going to mention this.

So the new Crow movie is coming out.

Brandon Lee has been replaced by Edward Furlong. Edward Furlong. Why Edward, why? I used to like you so much, and now I can't look at a picture of you in your black clothes and goth make-up and not laugh.

Guess who else is in it? That dude from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (OH.MY.GOTH.) and Tara Reid. Yes, Tara boob-publicity-stunt Reid. I'm speachless.

Well, at least with Tara Reid, we can count on nudity.


Life is pain. Or I suppose for the Crow, death is pain.

"Our only goal will be the western shore."

Bands today aren't cool.

Led Zeppelin was cool.

Led Zeppelin could write songs about Lord of the Rings and vikings and still somehow be cool. And not in that nerd cool way. They still managed to pull off rock star cool.

Can Linkin Park do that? I think not. Linkin fucking Park can't even write about depression and be cool, and any band this side of Trent Reznor seems to be able to do that.

And on that note, why is Trent still angry? He's been doing this whole angry, white guy thing for about twenty years now. THAT's consistency.

I still love you Trent. I like you angry. I'm afraid if you weren't angry, you'd get all Sting-esque.

"You should see my scars."

:::REVIEW
:::Garbage Bleed Like Me

1. Bad Boyfriend

"I wanna hear you call out my name, I wanna see you go up in flames, put you on ice so I can show all my friends, c'mon baby, be my bad boyfriend."

Well... It's cheesey. As you can see by the lyrics, really cheesey. But I'm not going to lie to you, when I first heard it, despite the cheese, I absolutely loved it. It's got Shirley doing what she does best, being sassy and spouting out rather hollow but bitchy lyrics that don't pretend to be anything but hollow and bitchy. I don't think it lives up to previous Garbage opening tracks such as "Supervixen", "Temptation Waits" and "Shut Your Mouth" (yes, even "Shut Your Mouth", despite how crappy the rest of the album is), but it's still good. I wouldn't say it's fantastic, but this first song seemed, at the time, to be promising.

2. Run, Baby, Run

"You know what you believe to be right, so you're not gonna crack, no you're never gonna crack."

"Run, Baby, Run", not to be confused with "Cherry Lips (Go, Baby, Go!)". So, by this point, I'd say I'm moderately impressed with the music, although horridly unimpressed by the lyrics. This song appealed to me the first time I heard it, despite it's cheesey "don't give up" message that's been done a million times. "Run, Baby, Run" has a very "Parade"-esque feel to it, with it's "Life sucks but don't slit your wrists or let your cat sleep on your face" message. Overall, I was impressed with this song, and was convinced that the best lay ahead on the CD.

3. Right Between the Eyes

"Why do you have to give them what they want? The love to watch you as you fall apart."

So, I had been moderately impressed so far... And then "Right Between the Eyes" came on. Yeah, it sucks. There's not much that I can say about this song except... it really sucks. It's extreme filler, and the subject matter focusses on "Being different" and "Don't listen to what the man says" and overdone crap like that. Jesus. Shirley: You're not John Lennon. Or Bob Dylan. Or even fucking Zach de la Rocha. You were doing much better when singing about putting your bad boyfriend on ice to show all your friends.

4. Why Do You Love Me?

"I am rotten to my core if they're to be believed."

I finally get it! I finally see where the appeal of "Why Do You Love Me?" lies! It's because it follows "Right Between the Eyes" on the album, so when you hear it you're all like "This song's kinda shitty, but man, it's way better than that 'Right Between the Eyes' shit". REVELATION!

5. Bleed Like Me

"You should see my scars and try to comprehend what you'll never comprehend."

I would say that this is the first song on Bleed Like Me that I was actually really impressed with. It has a very similar lyrical vibe to it as "Run, Baby, Run", but the song overall has a very Velvet Underground feel to it. After the horror that was "Right Between the Eyes", I felt Bleed Like Me was about to turn around.

6. Metal Heart

"Now that we know for sure they're telling lies when they say no one gets hurt and therefore nobody dies, you know it's hard to believe anything that you hear, they say the world is round."

Let me start off my "Metal Heart" review with a story. Rob heard Bleed Like Me way before I did and lent me his CD so I could get a taste of it. For a while there while I had his CD, I recieved several messages on MSN saying "METAL HEART" and "MHe" (which is of course, the J-Lo equivalent of "Metal Heart"). And then I went to a party at his house, where he was sufficiently drunk and had this conversation:

Rob: (said in extremely loud and drunk voice) "HAVE YOU LISTENED TO METAL HEART YET?!"
Me: "Well..."
Rob: "HAVE YOU LISTENED TO METAL HEART?!"
Me: "Yeah, but only once so far, I couldn't - "
Rob: "WELL Y'SEE METAL HEART IS ONE OF THOSE SONGS THAT WHEN YOU LISTEN TO ONCE YOU LOVE AND... (trails off into incoherent drunk talk ending with something about touching someone's face)."

Well, long story short, Rob loves "Metal Heart".

And I will say this:

"Metal Heart" is fantastic. Although I won't go so far as to say it's the best Garbage song, it's definately the best song on Bleed Like Me. It has a very "Hammering in My Head" vibe to it. Garbage doing what they do best, making rock music you can dance to/dance music you can rock to.

7. Sex is Not the Enemy

"I won't feel guilty no matter what they're telling me, I won't feel dirty and buy into their misery. I won't be shamed cause I believe that love is free, it fuels the heart and sex is not the enemy."

No, Shirley, sex isn't the enemy, but y'know what is? Female musicians who redo and redo the whole "female sexual revolution" thing. Please take "Sex is Not the Enemy" and mail to to Madonna, circa 1987. Thanks.

8. It's All Over but the Crying

"Do you really think I'm made of stone? Baby, c'mon. That we only love the things we own? Baby, you're wrong."

"It's All Over but the Crying" seems to detail the dissolution of Shirley's marriage. Maybe that's pressumptious of me, but I think so. This song is a stereotypical dark, emotional Garbage ballad ala "Over a Cup of Coffee" and "The Trick is to Keep Breathing"... Except "Over a Cup of Coffee" and "The Trick is to Keep Breathing" are far superior. I think I would like this song a lot more if the title was different. And the line "It's all over but the crying" wasn't in it. CHEESE! How many times have I used the words "cheesey" or "cheese" in this review? Hmmm. I think that says something about the album right there!

9. Boys Wanna Fight

"And in a world where good's not good enough, let's get loaded and kick up a fuss."

*sigh*... I don't know where to begin. If the lyrics were different, this could be an excellent song. "Boys Wanna Fight" is apparently political. It's Shirley going on about the whole "If women ruled the world, there'd be no war... blah, blah, blah." Yeah, because women aren't illogical, irrational, bitchy or catty AT ALL. I mean, I love my fellow woman, but really people, do you really think we would do any better than men if we ruled the world?

Female Palestinian Leader: "Um, Israel? Hi, girlfriend. I think you're overusing our water sources again. And the green line is, y'know, kinda starting to infringe on our territory."
Female Israeli Leader: "Well dear, y'know, maybe when the UN recognizes you as a country and you stop suicide bombing us, we'll talk, kay? I've got a manicure I've got to get to."
Female Palestinian Leader: "Well hun, maybe the next time a bunch of displaced Jews need a home after all their friends have been gassed and burned, the Brits can put you in the Antarctic instead of in our holy land, mmkay?"
Female Israeli Leader: "OH NO YOU DIDN'T!" *takes off earings*
Female Palestinian Leader: "BRING IT, BITCH!"

And then the whole situation degrades into a chick fight complete with bitch slaps, hair pulling and each girl calling eachother fat. And as we all know, calling eachother fat is when the nukes are brought out.

Now, of couse, when I, a female, rule the world, things won't be like that, but that's because I'll rule the world like some type of Bond villian, which means if anyone calls me fat or says they don't like my shoes, they'll just be liquified instantly.

But moving on.

10. Why Don't You Come Over?

"You were baking buscuits while I went bent the law, sacrificing something as you counted all my flaws. Why don't you come over and walk in my shoes?"

Mmmmmeeeeehhhhhhhh..... Catchier than "Right Between the Eyes", but just as fillerish. I give it credit for the sass, but it's still meh. By this point I realized that after "Metal Heart", Bleed Like Me just goes downhill.

11. Happy Home

In my happy home, I barely breathe. I Never once in my wayward life was heading to run out."

After, the blah that transpired after "Metal Heart", "Happy Home" is a relief, a good song to end the album with. Not as good as "Milk" or "You Look so Fine" (but then again, nothing can be as good as "You Look so Fine"), but definately in the same vein. Very dark and emotional, and a good finish.

Overall? *sigh*... Overall, I found Bleed Like Me to be rather boring in comparison to other Garbage albums, even BeautifulGarbage, to a certain extent. Even the songs that I liked seemed to fall short of my expectations. With the exception of "Metal Heart", all the better songs are nowhere near the calibre of previous Garbage gems. Maybe I need to listen to it more, but so far, unimpressed. It's a sad day indeed.